Saturday, January 26, 2013


I ride the bus every day, and have done so for years.  Over those years, I've noticed that I share my ride with a lot of idiots.... people who don't know basic bus etiquette.  This angers me, as it's not rocket science to figure out how to not be an asshole in a public place.  However, it has become very clear to me that some sort of "manners manual" needs to be published for everyone to peruse and commit to memory.  

IF YOU TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, please don't be an asshole.  

1) Know how to load your card / ticket.  Figure it out ahead of time.  You're holding everyone up by just deciding to take public transportation all willy nilly this one time.

2)  If loading or paying with cash, allow others before you so as not to hold up the line. Everyone who was smarter than you by preparing for their ride ahead of time has to wait for you to get your shit together?  I don't think so.

3) Always sit if a seat is available even if you don't feel like it.  It's a safety thing and decreases congestion. 

4) Whenever possible, sit in the window seat, leaving the aisle seat available for others. Later boarders may be too intimidated to ask you to move towards the window, thus adding to congestion. Then you are just that smug asshole who is hogging a whole seat section because you're an idiot.

5) If you are in an aisle seat and your window passenger has to get out, get up.  Don't just kind of move your legs in an effort to let them by.  Conversely, if you are that person who decided not to sit by the window while the bus was empty, move over towards the window when a passenger approaches, instead of making them climb over you, you lazy dick.

6) While sitting, keep your legs together.  I cannot tell you how many times I've had to deal with about six inches of seat space because YOU are spreading your legs loudly and proudly.  Did your mama not teach you how to sit like a civilized person?  Please understand that your "comfort" is making me UNcomfortable. 

7)  Store extra baggage under your seat and on your lap, not in the seat next to you. If the bus was empty when you boarded and you splayed your shit everywhere, move your shit when the bus begins to fill up.

8)  If you are one of the unfortunate people clogging up the main aisle, push back when no seating is available. Keep pushing back as more people board. I hate playing witness to a super congested front half of the bus because some asshole is just standing there, not paying attention in the aisle while in the middle of the bus.  When the bus driver yells "push back," it means that YOU, yes YOU, are just standing there "acting comfortable" when there is a few feet of free space in the aisle in the back of the bus.  Move on down and lead the calvary.

9) Hit the stop request well in advance.  Don't be angry if the bus driver blows past your stop because you hit the button three seconds before your stop passes by. 

10) Approach the door as your stop pulls in, don't wait for the last second and the doors are opening. Holds everything up. Even if it's only a few seconds of extra time, those few seconds at every stop make the bus ultimately run late.  I wait for a lot of late buses in some rather extreme temperatures, and it's because of assholes like you.

1) Give your seat to old and / or handicapped people, but not to fatties or people with kids over age 4.  "Why so choosy?" you might be asking... well, it's simple.  I have no patience for fat people or people with kids.  You are fat, I shouldn't have to give up my seat because standing exhausts you.  You have kids, I shouldn't have to give up my seat because your misbehaving child squirms too much for your parental taste.  If your child is under 4, I get it.  The movement of the bus or train may hinder their ability to stand.  Young kids suck at most things, and standing in a moving space is one of them.  But anything older that... well, they know how to stand and it's time for them to start learning that life isn't fun sometimes and it's not just because they didn't get that <thing> they wanted. 

Sorry, folks.  Old people win a spot as they have lived a long life and I'll be damned if I don't want a seat at that age.  I already want one NOW at age 30!  Handicapped people are self-explanatory. 

12) Don't leave your trash behind.  What are you, a lazy immature asshole?  Grow up and throw your trash away in proper receptacles. 

13) Perhaps most importantly, say hello to your driver as you board and say thank you as you get off.  Granted, most drivers are too absorbed in their own mind-numbing duties and / or chagrined by the incessant amount of idiots they must endure to acknowledge your salutations, but these P's & Q's go a long way... even if unacknowledged.

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